Let's talk about Episode 6, A Golden Crown.
QUESTIONS:
...On a scale of 10 to 10, how awesome was that scene where Viserys got molten gold poured over his head?
...Viserys seemed very surprised at the design of his crown. What do you think he expected his crown to look like?
...Oh man, that fucking crown scene, you guys. Am I right?
...Now that the crown scene is over, why even continue the show?
What? You guys want me to recap the rest of the episode? Shit, man. I mean, I guess I can.
We start out with Ned waking up to a very blurry King and Queen. They have just gotten word that Catelyn took Tyrion to Winterfell on Ned's command, and Cersei isn't taking that news very well.
Well, you know how women can get when their siblings get kidnapped. Nag, nag, nag. Am I right fellas?
Anyway, the King smacks her what for, and Ned is like, hey guys, I'm kinda bedridden right now and it's realllly uncomfortable to watch a couple fight, so maybe you could smack her when I'm not around, is that okay?
Cersei storms out and the King tells Ned that he's 3 million in debt to the Lannisters, so in order to avoid a war, the Lannisters and the Starks have to put this shit behind them. He tells Ned to send his wife a raven and reinstates him as the Hand, threatening to give the position to Jaime Lannister if he ever takes it off again. Well, that's one way to get him to stick around, I guess.
Over in Dothrak, Daenerys is putting one of her dragon eggs over some hot coals.
A servant walks in and freaks out. She grabs the egg, trying to prevent Daenerys from burning herself.
The servant got egg burns all over her palms, but Daenerys' hands were unmarred.
Meanwhile, Bran is having that fucking dream. Again. They used the same footage and everything, the hacks. Oh, but this time, the three-eyed raven flies down a corridor, giving us no real further information other than that there is a corridor down that direction. Is that how this is going to go now? Each episode we get a repeat of this scene with one extra step tacked onto the end?
So anyway, Bran wakes up as Hodor is walking in. (How convenient.) Hodor presents him with his cripple saddle.
Cut to
Robb shows up and attacks the hobos.
He has the woman in his grip, but Bran has been taken captive and the remaining hobo has a knife to his neck. Bran seems pretty okay with this, telling Robb not to comply with the hobo's demands to put down his sword.
But then the hobo gets an arrow through the heart from Greyjoy.
Tough break, Bran. You are burdened with life for another day.
Over in the Vale, Tyrion is having a tough time convincing the guards to let him speak to Lyssa.
Then there's a part where Arya is having sword dancing lessons. She's not really feeling so great because of all the shit that's happened to her family. But Syrio says this is the best time to train. You don't need to fight when things are well, so you must learn to fight when things are going poorly.
He also asks her is she prays. She says yes, to the old gods and the new gods. So here we've learned that Arya is a fan of Jack Kirby, I guess? But Syrio says there is only one god:
(emphasis mine)
And to him we say:
So Daenerys is eating a horse heart.
Viserys gets all butthurt that the army hasn't been granted to him yet, so he decides to steal the eggs to sell in exchange for a boat and a large army.
But Jorah Mormont steps in and is all like nuh-uh, those are not your eggs.
So Tyrion finally get his council with Lyssa, where he proceeds to confess his crimes.
He speaks much of his sexual misdeeds, but when questioned about the murder, he claims to be innocent, and demands a trial. Despite having everyone on her side, and she agrees to have Robin listen. And if he's found guilty, Tyrion will be tossed out of a hole in the floor of the tower called the Moon Door.
Robin really wants to see him go through the Moon Door.
Then Tyrion demands it be a trial by combat. Despite having everyone on her side, Lyssa agrees to make it a trial by combat. Then Tyrion demands a champion, and Lyssa agrees to that too.
Now look, I get that these are the crazy laws of Westeros, where a man can be proclaimed guilty or innocent based on how good another man is at killing, but why is Lyssa agreeing to this? She is the only one present who has any power. Everyone is on her side. She clearly has no interest that true justice be done. If she tossed Tyrion out the Mood Door without trial, the dead Tyrion would be the only one to take issue with that.
But whatever. Tyrion demands Jaime Lannister be his champion. Finally, Lyssa stops giving in and says that it must be someone in the room, as the trial will take place today. Bronn, the sellsword who traveled with Catelyn and Tyrion, steps up to defend him.
-
Meanwhile, in King's Landing, Ned is filling in for Robert while he's out hunting.
A group of peasants from the Riverlands are pleading for help after a group of men came and burned their homes, raped their women and killed their kids. Then, in a baffling act, they dump fish on the floor, saying this is what was left behind. Thanks, guys. Dumping fish on my floor really makes me want to help you. You could have just told me about the fish instead of giving a demonstration, you know?
Anyway, Baelish starts giving a collection of hints to Ned, with varying degrees of uselessness, like his some kind of Simon's Quest NPC.
Tully, is your wife's house, he explains, making this the first instance in which anything is made explicitly clear in the show. I get why they would want to give the audience this information, but at this point it just comes off as clumsy, what with literally everything being vague up until this point.
Oh, and the guy leading them cut the head off of one of their horses.
Is this guy starting a fucking collection or something?
Anyway, Ned gives them permission to get a group together and kill Gregor 'The Mountain' Clegane.
He also summons Tywin Lannister, the father of Cersei, Jaime and Tyrion, to be held accountable for The Mountain's actions, since The Mountain was his knight.
Over at The Vale, Bronn kills Lyssa's champion.
So Tyrion is just allowed to leave. Just like that. Huh. Justice is funny around here.
Then Joffrey gives Sansa a hollow apology (an ahollowgy?) and a necklace.
Okay, so here's the part we all really wanted to see. Viserys walks in on Daenerys' party and holds her at swordpoint, telling Drogo he wants his golden crown. See, the Dothraki cannot shed blood in their sacred city, so Viserys knows they can't just stab him or whatever. So Drogo's like, yeah okay.
Viserys is pretty pleased until Drogo's men grab him and break is arms and Drogo throws a bunch of large gold coins into a cauldron.
So Viserys falls over, presumably dead. Daenerys says that Viserys could not be The Dragon because The Dragon cannot be harmed by fire.
QUESTIONS:
...What do you say to Death?
...Which animal's heart do you think is the tastiest?
...Have you ever confessed your sexual deviancy to a judge? Were you on trial for something else at the time?
...Do you think Viserys made a good decision? Why or why not?
Is this blog really over? I was enjoying it!
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