Let's talk about episode 5, The Wolf and the Lion.
We begin in King's landing where Hugh's neck hole is being stitched together. He didn't have any family in the city, so I'm not sure who that's for. They're just going to put him in the ground, right? Anyway Ned begins to have some questions about who decided to put him up against The Mountain.
Turns out, they drew straws. "But who held the straws?" Yeah. Good one, Ned. Even if he was put up against The Mountain on purpose somehow, do you have any idea how difficult it is to dictate where all your lance splinters end up?
Ned gets tipped off that King Robert wants to joust, so it's up to him to talk the guy out of it. He finds the King with his squire, Lancel Lannister, who is trying to help him get his armor on. Lancel, ever so carefully and tactfully notes that the breastplate was made too small, but the King is pretty intent on just making him feel like a total sack of donkey excrement, yelling at him for being unable to get the armor on.
Ned points out that Robert is too fat for the armor, and so Robert acts all offended before starting to laugh. Lancel takes the cue and begins to laugh as well.
Robert decides this is a good time to do his Goodfellas act and fuck with Lancel's head some more before barking at him to get the fictional "breastplate stretcher." Lancel runs out of the room.
This fuckin' guy... Yo, he play too much.
Anyway, there's this guy, Loras Tyrell, who is up against The Mountain next. A real knight in shining armor. He hands Sansa a rose and glances up at this Renly Baratheon fella behind her, who for some reason thinks he's Professor-fuckin'-Xavier over here.
They stand at each end of the jousting arena and The Mountain's horse starts acting funny. Sansa gets all worried that this guy she's only just now seen is going to be hurt by The Mountain.
Little does she know Loras was riding a horse that was in heat, which made the Mountain's horse trip over his own boner.
The Mountain got pretty bummed out about that and went home to eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's.
Nah, just kidding. He totally hacked his horse's head off. I bet the horse will remember that valuable lesson next time he gets horny, eh?
Then he goes after Loras...
...only to be intercepted by The Hound, The Mountain's younger brother! They were all like *ting* *ting* *schwwwwing* *clang* *grunt* *ting*, it was nuts!
The King yells out for them to stop. The Mountain throws a hissy fit and storms off, leaving The Hound as the winner, I guess? He doesn't seem to enjoy the attention very much.
Meanwhile, on the road, a Jawa is being pulled down off of a horse.
My bad, it was Tyrion. He realizes that he's not on the road to Winterfell, as Catelyn had so loudly pronounced earlier. She has misled everyone so that they wouldn't know where she was taking Tyrion. He recognizes that the road they are on, and concludes that she is taking him Vale, where her sister rules.
He tells her that her sister went totally nuts, and that bringing him there is a death sentence, and besides that, he didn't try to kill anyone. If he did want to, he wouldn't use his own knife to do it. Before they can continue, they are attacked by people of the Hill Tribes. The men, fight off the tribesmen, and Tyrion even protects Catelyn. There was a real moment there.
Then there was a scene where Arya chased a cat.
Meanwhile, Varys tells Ned that Jon Arryn was definitely poisoned. He began asking too many questions and someone with money decided he had to go.
Arya chases the cat down into the dungeon where she finds a huge dragon skull. She hides in its mouth when she hears people coming though talking about the botched attempt on Bran's life and talk of war.
The King calls a meeting with the Small Council to discuss an important matter. He has gotten word that Daenerys is bearing Drogo's child, which means that the Targaryens and the Dothraki have teamed up, and this new child will surely take back Robert's throne.
As a solution, Robert decides he wants Daenerys and her baby dead. Seems like a foolproof plan to me. There have never been any stories of kings getting bitten in the ass trying to preserve their own power by committing infanticide. None that I can think of anyway.
Ned wants no part in this, so he steps down from his position as Hand to the King.
Meanwhile in Vale, Catelyn is still convinced that Tyrion should be her prisoner, despite those pesky little things like "logic" and "honor" trying to get in the way. She brings Tyrion before her sister Lyssa. I've got to say, what a breath of fresh air it is, that amongst all this craziness, George R. R. Martin took the time to show us that he's still grounded in the real world. Lyssa is the voice of reason we've been needing.
She takes Tyrion and puts him in a cell with a wall open to the outside... several dozen stories up a tower.
Back at King's Landing, Loras is shaving Renly with what appears to be peanut butter, telling him that he should be King because the people love him. Speaking of loving him, he decides to give him some love, HBO style.
As Ned finishes talking with the last person Jon Arryn spoke with, a prostitute who had one of the King's kids, he is met outside by Jaime Lannister.
See, he's not too happy about his brother being kidnapped, and he wants Ned to give him back. Ned tells him that if Jaime kills him, Tyrion will end up dead too. So Jaime has Ned's men killed and orders Ned to be taken alive.
Surrounded by Jaime's men, Ned gets into a swordfight with Jaime. I'm not entirely sure what he was expecting to happen. Even if he wins--even if he kills Jaime--the guards still completely outnumber him. But whatever, because before the fight ends, one ambitious guard decides to spear Ned right through the leg.
Jaime wasn't quite done with him yet, but he got over it pretty quick. As Ned keeled over on the ground, Jaime rode away on horseback screaming that he wanted his brother back.
QUESTIONS:
...What do you mean I'm funny? I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?
...The Mountain cut off a horse's head in this episode. Have you ever decapitated a horse? Why or why not?
...If you were asked to help commit infanticide, how would you respond? Remember, there are no wrong answers.
...What is your favorite sandwich spread to use as shaving cream?
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