Let's talk about episode 4, Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things.
The episode kicks off with Bran standing on his own two feet shooting a bow when he is interrupted by a crow or raven. For some inexplicable reason, he decides to stop what he's doing and follow the bird through a series of archways. He eventually catches up to find that this bird has three eyes! Whoa, freaky!
And then Bran wakes up. Wow, that was cool. I mean, nothing really happened or anything, but let's not look a prophetic dream horse in the mouth, okay? Sometimes you just get duds. I'm sure his next prophetic dream will be more useful.
Anyway, this guy walks in. I don't know who he is. From what I could glean from the wiki, I think he's called Theon Greyjoy, but who has time for introductions? Not this show! He has a message for Bran.
Apparently Robb Stark, who is acting as Lord of Winterfell in his father's absence, has called Bran in to have a meeting. But Bran is just being super pissy right now and he doesn't want to go.
Greyjoy(?) decides to take him up on that challenge by calling in a charming man by the name of Hodor, who is to carry Bran to the meeting.
Just between you and me, I don't think Hodor can be trusted. He seems to pay a lot of lip service, but his silver tongue can't keep his secrets safe forever. I'm onto you, Hodor.
Anyway, over at the main hall, Tyrion and Robb are exchanging passive-aggressive banter as they wait for Bran. It isn't long before Hodor trots in with him and they are able to begin.
Tyrion had heard about Bran's injury and he wanted to do something nice to help the kid out. So he drew up some plans for a fancy cripple saddle so that Bran could get back on that horse and... no, literally, actually ride a horse to get around.
Bran seems to like the idea.
Robb is suspicious of Tyrion's motivations, but Tyrion explains that he has a soft spot for cripples, bastards and broken things. Ohhh shit, #titledrop son! Robb softens up a bit and thanks Tyrion for his kindness, but Tyrion doesn't care about Robb's approval. He just wants to go bed some whores. Oh Tyrion, you little horndog, you. Never change.
Outside, he is met by Greyjoy, who tells him to ask for Ros if he likes redheads. But Tyrion is interested in sleeping with prostitutes, not talking about them. Instead, wants to taunt Greyjoy about how his life has turned out.
It seems that the Lannisters and Greyjoys have had a bit of a rough past, and Tyrion isn't above reminding Greyjoy just how far his family has fallen, and how foolish it was for them to attempt a rebellion when they were so vastly outnumbered. And now Greyjoy is the Starks' loyal lackey. He also manages to discern that Catelyn Stark isn't in Winterfell, which he finds quite curious.
Meanwhile at Castle Black...
There's a new recruit in town and his name is Samwell Tarly. He is put into Jon's study group and pitted against another trainee. He... doesn't fare so well.
The instructor commands that the trainee hits him with his blunted sword until Samwell gets up and fights back. After watching this go on for a bit, Jon decides to step in and help him up.
Well the instructor doesn't like that very much, so he pits the entire group against Jon (again) so that we can watch Jon aim to beat his high score.
I'm not sure if a surrender is worth more points or not, but he sure did great! And Sam is really grateful to him for it.
Anyway, the Dothraki finally got to their destination, Dothrak, the City of the Horse Lords. It's got a pretty sweet statue at the city entrance, so either the Horse Lords managed to pillage a huge statue that just happened to depict of horses, or they've got some really passionate artists in their ranks. Either way, it's pretty rad.
Viserys is a touch moody about the Dothraki, how they only have mud and twigs and not a single sweet horse statue like the one he's standing right under, and how they're marching the wrong way to get more men before laying siege to King Robert's army.
Later, in the city, Viserys and his servant are taking a bath together because HBO. She is pretending to be interested in him as he talks about dragons.
Before he was born, there were tons of dragons, and one of them forged the Iron Throne with his breath. But then they all began dying off and all of the dragons they could hatch came out all stunted, their skulls no larger than those of dogs. When his father was King, Viserys would walk down the hall reciting the names of the dragons the skulls belonged to. The conversation made Viserys very sad. But don't worry, he buried his sorrows in the servant girl.
Back in King's Landing, Sansa is getting history lessons on the kingdom, since she is to be wed to Joffrey.
She recites that Aegon the Conqueror built the Iron Throne, which seems to contradict the dragon legend a bit. And Maegor the Cruel built the Red Keep. Oh, and her uncle and grandpa were killed by Aerys the Mad. Booooring.
Oh, and she's still pissed at her dad about that whole killing her dire wolf business. Get over it, Sansa. Sometimes parents will slit your pet's throat. Deal with it.
Anyway, the tournament plans are not going well.
As much as Ned doesn't want to go through with it, the King does. That and there are a bunch of people in town already providing a much needed boost to the economy and starting small riots. It would be really great to keep that boost and perhaps pacify their passionate spirits by holding the tournament they came here for. Of course, all these extra people create a need for more security, and that means dipping into more funds to pay for more guards. Ned agrees to see what can be done about that and the meeting is adjourned.
Afterwards, Ned sticks around to speak with the Grand Meister about the death of Jon Arryn, the old hand to the King. The Meister says his sickness had come on very suddenly. The night before, he had inquired about a book, The Lineages and Histories of the Great Houses of the Seven Kingdoms. And when he died, he said "The seed is strong." The Meister passes it off as being the demented ramblings of a dying man, but since this is fiction, and we know it would be unsatisfying if that were the case, I think we can trust that this will come back later. Anyway, Ned thinks Jon Arryn was poisoned. DUN DUN DUN!
When he arrives home, Ned finds Arya practicing yoga and talking about chasing cats for Syrio. Her sword fighting lessons are going well, it seems. She asks about Bran, wondering if he can ever be a knight, like he wanted. Ned says no, not anymore, but he could be a Lord, or sit on the King's council instead. Arya wants to know if she can be a Lord.
Nope, she can just marry one. I guess those sword fighting lessons her dad is paying for are just for... uh... an ego boost? Arya is does not accept her father's assessment of her future options and she goes back to doing her yoga.
Back at Castle Black, Jon is standing atop the wall keeping watch. Samwell comes up to join him.
It turns out, not only can't he fight, but he's also half blind and scared of everything. The only reason he's here is because he was so useless that his father gave him a choice: Join the Night's Watch or be hunted down by his family. He took the option that would hopefully let him live on a while longer.
Later on, Ned is talking with Lord Baelish. Baelish reveals that a ton of people in King's Landing have spies listening for them everywhere, including children, field workers and women pretending to read, (like she's fooling anyone) so it would be a bad idea for Ned to collect evidence for Arryn's poisoning himself. He should get someone he trusts to do it, so it will be more difficult to trace back to him. He should go talk to Jon Arryn's squire. There is also an armorer that Arryn had visited in the days before his death. He should go talk to him as well.
Unfortunately, the captain of Ned's guard can't get very far with the squire because he is a knight and has no time for non-knights, I guess? So Ned goes down to talk with the armorer himself, and not with the squire because... reasons? It turns out, Arryn had gone to the armorer's to talk with Gendry, a boy who works there. He asked Gendry about his mother, who she was, what she looked like. Ned asserts that this boy must be King Robert's bastard son.
Back at the Castle Black, Jon tells the other trainees not to be so hard on Sam. They're all in this together and they're all brothers, so they've go to have each other's backs. One of the trainees isn't exactly on-board with the idea...
...so they sic a dire wolf on him.
The next day in training, nobody is willing to attack Sam. One even feigns injury when Sam hits him. The trainer knows exactly who to talk to about this.
He warns them that if they don't make sure their brothers become tough, they're going to have weaklings watching their backs instead of soldiers. Boom!
Meanwhile, Viserys is not enjoying his time with the Dothraki. He doesn't appreciate their accommodations, he doesn't want to wear their clothes. He's having an all-around bad time.
Daenerys does not take too kindly to him shitting all over her adopted peoples, and they get into a fight. He slaps her. She whips him with a belt. You know, sibling stuff.
Then, in an act of fucking finally asserting herself, she tells him that if she lays a hand on her again, he won't have one anymore. I can't wait for that scene.
Back at Castle Black, Sam and Jon have a chat about their lack of sex lives. Sam's never had one because women don't find him attractive. But Jon's never had one because the one time he went to the brothel, he couldn't do it because he doesn't like being a bastard, and he didn't want to risk bringing another one into the world.
Their trainer, Alliser Thorne comes in to scold them. There was a year when they got caught in a snowstorm on the other side of the wall and they had to eat their own horses. Gross, right?
In Dothrak, Daenerys and Jorah Mormont are talking about Viserys. Daenerys fears what the repercussions of hitting her brother might be once he takes back the throne. Jorah asks her if she even wants to see her brother on the throne. She says no, but the people do...right? Jorah asserts that the people don't really care who rules, so long as they can go about their daily lives without hardship.
This is an interesting development. Before it was implied that Jorah was loyal to Viserys because Ned Stark wanted his head and the current King is affiliated with Ned. Now he's trying to prevent Viserys from becoming King? What's his angle?
Back at the King's Tournament, a jousting competition is being held. A knight called The Mountain is going up against... Hugh. Great stage name, Hugh. Way to step it up. Anyway, "Hugh" was Jon Arryn's squire before he died.
So The Mountain ends up shattering his jousting lance on Hugh's armor, sending splinters everywhere, including Hugh's neck!
It was very shocking.
Anyway, Lord Baelish decides to tell Sansa a little story about The Mountain and his little brother, The Hound.
Apparently, one day The Mountain found The Hound playing with one of The Mountain's toys. Then he shoved The Hound's face into a fire. The End. Wasn't that delightful? Don't tell anyone.
Meanwhile, in a tavern, Tyrion runs into Catelyn, who is ingonito, and outs her to the crowd.
But with some quick thinking, she turns things around. She notices the symbols of several houses her family is friendly with on the clothing of some of the other patrons. Before all of them, she accuses Tyrion of conspiring to murder her son. (Tyrion was the last known owner of the attempted murder weapon, as far as she is aware.) She commands them to arrest him to be held in Winterfell to await the King's Justice.
Speaking of the King, wasn't Ned supposed to talk to him about that whole Lannister thing on the down-low? Whatever became of that?
QUESTIONS:
...Have you ever seen a three-eyed raven? What kind of a chemical plant do you live near? I want to avoid the area.
...WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE PROUD OF ME FOR FOLLOWING MY DREAM TO BE AN ARTIST, DAD?
...Arya thinks she's people. What would you tell her to set her straight?
...Was The Mountain right to shove The Hound's face in a fire? Why or why not?
