Contest of Fancy Chairs - Episode 3 - Lord Snow

Let's talk about episode 3, Lord Snow.

Ned Stark has just arrived in King's Landing, where he will act as hand to the King, if everything goes as planned. As he enters the throne room, he is warmly greeted by Jaime Lannister.

Ned just can't take a joke, it seems. He insults Jaime, but Jaime isn't discouraged. He tries to reconnect with his old buddy by reminiscing about the good times.

But Ned isn't impressed. He starts rambling on about how Jaime had just stood and watched the Mad King, Aerys Targaryen, kill his father in the first place, and how it took sooo long for him to get around to killing the King, just because it wasn't convenient for him at the time.

Man, Ned. Get over yourself. I mean, sure. Maybe Jaime and his peeps did just happen to watch as the Mad King Aerys Targaryen burned his father alive, but he got around to avenging him eventually! He just wanted to serve the King a little while longer first. I mean, gosh! What does Ned expect?

Ned moves on to meet with some of King Robert's trusted advisers, including the king's brother and a man who knew Ned's wife and brother back in the day.

But that will have to wait. This council has very important matters to attend to.

King Robert wants to hold a tournament for entertainment, complete with games and prizes. And whores, probably. And these guys are in charge of organizing it.

The only issue is that the royal treasury is about 6 million in the red. The King, as it turns out, is not so good with money, and he has borrowed at least 3 million from the Lannisters. Ned decides it would be best to maybe not hold an expensive tournament given these circumstances.

Meanwhile, Queen Cersei is helping Prince Joffrey bandage his wounds, telling him how badass these scars will make him look, especially if he tells everyone the heroic tale of how he got them and bravely killed the beast that did it.

But Joffrey doesn't like that idea. He can't just tell people a made up story about himself! It wouldn't make any sense! They just need to accept him for who he is and do what he says. And when he's King, he'll start by kicking the North in the face and demanding tribute from them. Good game plan. Taxing people into poverty is a great way to keep their loyalty.

Back at the new Stark home, Ned brings home a gift for Sansa.

She doesn't like it.

Ned goes into Arya's room to have a talk about her recent violent tendencies. She has been pretty steamed at Prince Joffrey for cutting up her friend's face and lying about it, and she really doesn't want Sansa to marry him. Ned tells her that she and Sansa are family, so regardless of how Sansa behaves they need to stick together. So suck it up, you big baby.

Meanwhile, back in Winterfell, Bran asks his grandmother to tell him a scary story. She tells him

of a time when winter lasted for years on end. No crops would grow. Mothers killed their children, so they wouldn't have to watch them starve. She knows what's up.

Bran's brother, Robb, relieves the batty old crone of her bedside duties. He asks if Bran remembers anything about how he fell. He doesn't remember anything. (And he'll keep not remembering anything, if the brat knows what's good for him!) Bran asks if it's true that he'll never walk again.

Catelyn Stark arrives in King's Landing and is immediately escorted into a building filled with half naked women. Oh, and this guy:

She is displeased about being brought into a whorehouse, but he assures her that if she wishes to be covert, this is the last place anyone would go looking for her. They are able to discuss freely her theory about the Lannisters trying to kill her son. It turns out, this guy knows exactly whose knife the failed assassin used--his own. He had lost it to Tyrion Lannister in a bet some time ago.

Over at Castle Black, Jon Snow is stabbing a man in the face.

As part of the training for the Night's Watch, the recruits are pitted against each other. Jon is just beasting his way through this thing. The man is a maniac.

Unfortunately, this raises the ire of all of the other Watchmen-in-training, and hardly even impresses the trainer. What does it take to get a little recognition around here?

Meanwhile, back at King's Landing, Ned gets word that his son woke up, but his legs are just busted straight to shit. Then this fucking guy comes in and tells Ned he might want to tell his wife, because guess where she is?

Ned doesn't take too kindly to the implications of that statement.

But the jokes on him! His wife was in the brothel! And everyone learned a valuable lesson about jumping to conclusions.

Inside, they were able to discuss, in more detail, the evidence for the Lannisters' involvement in Bran's tumble. Unfortunately, if they were to simply come forth with an accusation, they could be declared treasonous, and that would end poorly for them. Ned agrees to speak with the King about it in private, in the hopes that his old friend won't let him down.

Back at Castle Black, Jon's first sparring partner is ticked off at him for some reason. Something about breaking his nose, or some other such nonsense.

He and his buddies all jump Jon, but luckily Tyrion walks in at just the right moment to let them know that he could report all of them to his sister, the Queen, if they do not stand down.

After they stand down, Tyrion tells Jon all about who they are and why they're here. Most of them had hard lives, turning to petty theft just so that they could survive. When given the choice of amputation or becoming a Watchman, they reluctantly chose the latter. Very few of them had ever even swung a sword before, whereas Jon had training from some of the best of Winterfell's swordsmen. He needs to gain some perspective.

Word of Bran's awakening has also reached Cersei and Jaime. Cersei is not too pleased about all this defenestration business, and she worries about what will happen if Bran remembers what he saw later. Jaime has other things on his mind...

Jaime says that if the kid talks, they'll say he's lying. If the King isn't fooled, well, guess he has to die. He will go to war if it means he gets to keep boffing his sister. Now that's love right there.

Later on, King Robert is having a chat with an old soldier about the first time each of them killed a man.

He decides to call Jaime in to remind him that he gets to stand outside having no fun while the King gets to sit inside having all the fun. Then he asks him about some of his kills, including what the previous King had said when Jaime stabbed him. Gosh, it's a good thing Jaime is such a reasonable guy, or this kind of thing could really put the King's life in jeopardy.

Meanwhile in who-the-fuck-knows-where, the Dothraki are still trotting along on horseback when their Khaleesi, Daenerys, instructs them to stop the horde. She gets off and walks through the forest where she is met by Viserys who is mad at her for giving him orders, apparently? I'm not entirely sure when she did that, but long story short, he verbally abuses her at swordpoint, only for one of the Dothraki to catch his neck in a whip and yank him to the ground.

Daenerys commands the Dothraki lad to let her brother go. Viserys gets up and demands that the Dothraki lad be killed. Everyone ignores him. He is made to walk the rest of the journey without a horse.

When they get to their next camp, one of Daenerys' servants is...

...um. This seems private. Let's check in on Viserys' advisor, who is having a chat about weapons and armor with the Dothraki lad who had made a fool of Viserys earlier. It's not long before they are speaking entirely in the Dothraki tongue. Luckily, I have a handy phrasebook to help translate that.

Sounds about right. Anyway, Daenerys' servant bursts into the room with important news:

Back at Castle Black, Tyrion has a dispute with some of the Watchmen about what's really beyond the wall. He doesn't believe in the tall tales they tell about monsters. Some of them find this insulting, as they have guarded this wall with their lives. One man simply gives a warning that winter is coming, and this one is going to last many years, like the winters of the old days, and with it the return of the White Walkers. He tells Tyrion that they're going to need more men, trained men, to help them guard the wall.

Oh, and Arya gets sword fighting/dance lessons from Syrio Forel, perhaps the most wonderful character on the show so far. There are simply no words. All my yes.

QUESTIONS:

...Have you ever been 6 million dollars in debt? What advice would you give to King Robert to help him out?

...Can you see how swag Joffrey be?

...Jon Snow beat five men in a row. How many can you beat?

...What the fuck is axial tilt?

Contest of Fancy Chairs - Episode 2 - The Kingsroad

Let's talk about episode 2, The Kingsroad.

We open with the Dothraki, who are traveling in a very slow, very orderly, single-file line through the plains, away from Pentos. It's like I always say. Even if you're a barbarian horde, it's very important to mind your manners. Cutting in line is just plain rude.

Upon reaching camp, Viserys is approached by his adviser, who informs him that he can still return to Pentos and live in comfort while the Dothraki go on ahead. Viserys declines, saying that he wants to make sure that the Dothraki make good on their promise of an army. Smart move on his part, I think. After all, if the brutal, warlike perople don't do what he says, he needs to be there to give them a stern talking-to personally. That'll keep 'em in line.

It is also mentioned that the adviser was a wanted by the law. He had been caught selling some poachers, who had been trespassing on his property, to a slaver. Under Ned Stark's rule, he could be beheaded for that, but under Viserys he's good to go. So I guess that's one reason for the adviser to be loyal to Viserys.

Meanwhile in Winterfell, Tyrion Lannister, the dwarf brother to Jaime Lannister and Queen Cersei, wakes up in a pen full of animals. Classic Tyrion.

Tyrion was introduced in the first episode, but I glossed over his parts, primarily because his major role in that episode was giving Winterfell's Red Light District enough of an economic boost to declare independence from the rest of the city. I kid, I kid. But seriously, the man's got an addiction on his hands. He should talk to a psychologist.

Anyway, he looks up to see his nephew Prince Joffrey hanging outside the pen. Tyrion reminds the Prince to go offer his sympathies to the Lord and Lady Stark whose son Bran, as you may remember, had a well-deserved tumble from the window of a tower. Joffrey, clearly being the rationalist here, is averse to this idea. It's not as though his sympathies would help anything. Good point, Joffrey. 

So Tyrion slaps the shit out of him. Not cool, Tyrion. That kind of abuse could scar a fragile kid like Joffrey.

From there, Tyrion leaves to go have breakfast with his siblings. While there, the news comes up that Bran might not die from his sudden intimate knowledge of the ground. He might even wake up soon! This does not sit well with Cersei and Jaime, as he had been pushed out of the window to keep their incest a secret.

Suddenly, the two of them begin expressing how cruel it is to let him suffer, to make him live out his days as a cripple. Tyrion shoots back that he, despite being disadvantaged, actually quite enjoys life, and would not be so quick to decide to end someone else's simply because they couldn't be normal.

Soon after breakfast, Jaime goes off to find Jon Snow at the blacksmith, where he is having a sword made for him, and he decides to taunt Jon about his decision to go to Castle Black to become a member of the Night's Watch.

After that odd exchange, Jon goes to say his goodbyes to the Starks. He gives Arya a sword as a gift.

And then he talks to the still unconscious Bran about how one day he can come see the wall that the Night's Watch guards. Catelyn, Ned's wife, asks Jon to leave as Ned enters the room. Jon leaves and the Starks have an argument about Ned once coming home with a son he had with another woman.

I don't know who this guy is, but Jon says goodbye to him too.

Ned rides up with Jon and gives him a little pep talk, telling him that although he doesn't share the Stark name, he does have Stark blood, with the heavy implication that Jon is his son. Jon wants to know about his mother before he leaves, but Ned tells him they can talk about that the next time they meet.

Ned then rides away and has a picnic with King Robert. They begin to reminisce over women. Or rather, the King does. Ned isn't so keen on telling the king much about Jon's mother either.

But it's not all fun and games. The King has received word of Daenerys' wedding to Drogo, and the implication of this upsets him. He knows it means the Targaryens are planning on using the Dothraki armies to attack the throne. Ned asserts that the Dothraki, though strong, cannot cross the Narrow Sea. But the King is worried about those within his kingdom who still maintain loyalty to the Targaryens. If the Dothraki do manage to cross, they will have plenty of help already on the inside.

Oh, and speaking of the Dothraki... Is it rape o' clock already?

The director just thought you'd like to see that scene before checking back in with Jon Snow, who is having a chat with Tyrion. Tyrion explains that joining the Night's Watch means discarding your old family and acquiring a new one. In this case, that new family appears to be composed of rapists who chose guarding the wall over castration, though it is noted that they typically choose otherwise.

He also gets into a bit of his personal philosophy regarding his place in the world. As a dwarf, he would have been abandoned if born to peasants, but being a Lannister, he was allowed to live. He realizes that life can sometimes be a game of chance, so when it deals you a hand, you had damn better make the best of it, even if it's not the best one.

Back at the Stark household, Catelyn finds a man inside who, no lie, rather than trying to hide his motivations and bide his time, bluntly states that he's here to mercy kill Bran. I like this guy. He's honest and straightforward.

Catelyn tries to stop the man from stabbing Bran, and after a brief struggle, Bran's dire wolf decides to join in on the fun.

The intrusion of this man tips Catelyn off something fierce, so she goes on an investigation to the spot where Bran fell. She claws at the ground until she finds something suspicious.

A hair! Those are only ever found at crime scenes! We'd better get this sample to the lab, but first let's have a meeting.

The knife the assailant used was made of very high quality materials. Much higher quality than someone of his rank could afford. It is determined that this knife was given to him for the task, and suspicion arises that the Lannisters may be behind this. Catelyn wants to tell Ned about this, but does not trust the message to be sent via raven, so she decides to head on over to King's Landing and tell him herself.

Meanwhile, Daenerys is asking one of her servants for some relationship advice.

So you know that sex that Daenerys clearly doesn't enjoy having with Drogo? Her servant's Cosmo tip is, okay keep doing that, but keep it spicy by switching it up with the positions a little, would ya? And since Deanerys' character so far consists of doing whatever thing the people around her say to do, she agrees to it and starts taking more control in the bedroom. Which is good, maybe? I don't know. This whole thing is just a big mess of uncomfortable.

Let's talk about Sansa Stark, shall we? Apparently, she's supposed to be courting Joffrey since the King needs to be related to Ned in order to have Ned as his adviser...for some reason. Anyway, they're taking a stroll down the river when they stumble upon Sansa's little sister Arya having a fake swordfight with the butcher's boy using sticks.

Well Joffrey simply cannot have that. The butcher's boy is not a knight. He is not holding a sword. And yet, somehow, he's acting as though he *is* a knight holding a sword? What manner of sorcery is this?

Clearly, the butcher's boy must be punished. His actions simply defy all logic. Joffrey rightfully places his (real) sword on the butcher's boy's (real) cheek and (really) makes a long, slow cut across it. (For real.)

But before he can finish, the Prince is attacked by Arya.

And then her wolf runs out from the forest and attacks the poor noble Prince as well.

Then she takes his favorite sword.

And she throws it into the river.

Arya and her dire wolf quickly escape. She sets her wolf free into the wilderness.

When nightfall comes, Ned is called into court where the King and Queen are trying to dispense justice to the little delinquent who ruined Prince Joffrey's date, but Arya keeps stepping in the way of justice by trying to introduce facts. Sansa is called in as well, but she pretends that she doesn't remember what happened. It is eventually determined that the wolf must be put down, but since Arya's wolf has escaped, Sansa's wolf will be killed instead. Sounds fair. Guilty... Innocent... They're just words. A wolf gets killed, that's the important thing.

Ned insists that he kill the wolf himself, since it is from the North, like him. At the moment that Ned slits the dire wolf's neck, Bran's eyes open. He's back. And he's ready for round 2.

QUESTIONS:

Was Prince Joffrey right to decline to offer his sympathies to a grieving family?

Have you ever solved a crime by finding a hair at the scene? If so, write about it.

What would you have done differently if you were to attack a prince?

When you plan to kill a child, do you inform that child's parents of your intentions?